do you know who you are {reflectedspell}

[spell`]

reflectedrain **

it felt like it would rain in a matter of hours, or even minutes. the sun was out presently, but some souls never retained much luck for long. and anyway, when didn't it feel like it was about to rain? it often felt like icy water was soaking through her silken black pelt and turning her flesh into an arctic wasteland, her heart was awash with thoughts so cold she was often numbed. so what if water wasn't dripping from the fast-approaching clouds? it always felt like bad weather for the little she-cat. her paws ached, like they usually did. she wasn't unfit, but when all one does is lose track of oneself fretting the little things, one's paws tended to throb most of the day. sometime's the ache was all she could think about for hours at a time, and eventually she would find a nook to curl up in and sleep the rest of the day away. she didn't know what else to do with herself besides wander until her legs would work no longer, or to speak with starclan until she had convinced herself they were refusing to listen.

it was only morning though, and today, she felt, was not the day to sleep into oblivion. perhaps tomorrow. her tail swayed gently behind her, emphasizing her grace of movement- her delicate pawsteps barely leaving a trace upon the earth. for once, she knew exactly where she was headed, but as usual she could not discern why. the soft terrain was rapidly turning rocky and this rough ground was nostalgic upon her now tender and softened paw pads. the memory of home was bittersweet, and maybe it was the sting of these memories driving her insane lately which lead her steadily toward where she knew her former clan now lived. what she would find there she was not sure, but curiosity was mounting inside of her, and in spite of her best judgement, spell was craving the site of any familiar face. her nerves were making her heart pound deafeningly in her ears, her tailtip now twitching out of control while her senses reeled. the scent hit her all at once like a wall, and she stopped short. her breath seemed to be utterly caught in her throat and she could not get her paws to take her any closer.

[reflectedrain **]

it was cloudy today, and the cooler air had made the tom restless. his paws ached for an adventure, and for once, the heat of greenleaf wouldn't be hindering him. so, the tom set out, his paws padding across the pine needle strewn ground and through the greenery, carrying him in a different direction - away from camp and the mountain and from tempestclan as well - to a place where the trees became sparse and the grasses swayed with the wind. it was green and windy, and the tom felt a small chill as the mountain's winds whipped about him. there were boulders dotting the land in a few areas, and the scent of vertigoclan, while still present, was quite faint. the clan's border on this edge of territory had never been properly decided upon. most patrols wandered a few paces out from the trees, but hardly any cats came out so far. the shade of the pine trees was far too inviting in the usual summer heat, so reflectedrain didn't blame them.

the land was slanted in a steep hill, and the tom looked out past the reaches of the hills, his radiant gaze moving across the swaying grasses, a feeling of calmness coming over him. it was strange, living somewhere new and being able to thrive just as they had before. his usual aches had disappeared for the time being, and for that, he was thankful. being haunted by memories did nothing but sadden him and make him feel more and more out of place. the tom thought of the she-cat from tempestclan, and how charming she had been, but he knew better than to think it meant anything. he just couldn't. it still felt wrong, even though it'd been moons - moons - since he'd seen her.

his attention reverted back to reality as he noticed a black cat approaching. the tabby tom cocked a brow. what was a loner doing out here? he pondered meeting the cat and questioning them, but they seemed to be moving steadily in his direction, so it seemed silly to waste his own energy if they were going to eventually end up where he was. was that lazy? 'perhaps.' the tom silently answered his question, chuckling and shaking his head before refocusing on the black cat. it was then that he noticed the cat's eyes. bright and sad and incredibly blue. his chest tightened; he couldn't breathe; was it her? no, it couldn't be - could it? a wind hit him hard, causing him to stumble forward, his scent blowing in the direction of this cat.

his eyes watched the other cat hungrily, waiting for a response, any sort of response, as though his very scent was enough to do anything to anyone - he'd have snorted if he'd been able to breathe, but he was still struggling to take in air. oh. she - was it her? - paused, and reflectedrain stepped forward slightly. "spell?" his voice was soft, but commanding, and he'd hardly noticed how loudly he'd called until he was done. was it desperate? perhaps. was it worth it? incredibly so. he had to know, he had to. was it her? was it?

[spell`]

the wind suddenly turned in her favor, and the delicious scent of the mountain rushed down into her face, and she closed her eyes and stopped to breathe it in indulgently. spell let all the memories cloud her mind for a moment, however painful they might be. she didn't feel she had all too many happy memories anyway. nothing had really gone right for her she thought- surely it was a curse. maybe she was a curse- she'd really thought that all along. she was certainly no spell of any good kind. she hurt those she loved and hurt herself... constantly. at this point spell didn't think she could escape it if she tried, and while she now lived in mostly solitude and thus did not often worry about this kind of thing, the scents that assaulted her mind now brought it all back like a sickness quelling up in her throat.

she swallowed and her eyes shot open- no. of course it was him. who else would she ever bump into here in the middle of no where, still far off from vertigoclan's land. really she shouldn't have encountered anyone yet, but because this was spell, she encountered him. reflectedrain. she realized she had whispered his name out loud, and the taste of it was bittersweet. she missed the company of someone who didn't despise her, but she didn't miss being an emotional burden on an angel like him. she didn't deserve him, and she thought they both knew that. she left for the good of everyone.

his breathy voice carried easily with the wind that was blowing his rich scent to her. her name sounded so good in that pitch. somehow her paws began to move. they carried her toward him, and she didn't know what to say. and she didn't know when to stop. suddenly her old flame was burning right in front of her, and her paws barely slowed- she brushed right into him. she didn't even feel in control of her own body as she tucked her head under his chin and nuzzled his chest rather unthinkingly. this was probably a dream- she had likely decided to slumber away her sorrows again, and her memories were teasing her. but the fur of his mane felt so soft, and his scent so deep.

"reflectedrain," she murmured. as if she had woken herself up with her own voice, she jolted away from him like he was on fire. to her, he was. wide-eyed, she looked up at him. yes, she was thoroughly shaken now. "whats going on?" spell whispered, unable to grasp the situation.

[reflectedrain **]

it was. it was her. his entire being was numb. she came crashing up to him, nuzzling him and being near him. her scent was intoxicating. her fur was soft and sweet-scented and wild like the world outside the clans. he shivered at her touch, pulling back to look at her, his cerulean eyes glittering as he kept looking at her over and over and over again. she wasn't real, she was just a dream. he'd never woken up that morning. that's what had happened. this wasn't her, this wasn't him - he was just in his den, dreaming about her again.

reflectedrain didn't dare tell anyone how often he dreamed of her. he didn't even let himself think about it. and yet, it was there, always there, not even in the back of his mind. it was a central thing, a central issue, a place his mind revolved around. she was what was missing, and without her, he didn't know who he was. "if this is a dream..." he said softly as she cried his name. "i don't want to wake up." his voice cracked with emotion.

then she spoke again, from several tail-lengths away, regarding him carefully - was it as if he would hurt her? but why? the tom looked sad, his eyes haunted, his restlessness worse now than ever before. "what's.. going on?" the tabby repeated, confused, looking at her in the oddest way. "what's going on? seriously?" he repeated once more, his face crumpled up as if he didn't understand. "spell, i thought you were dead! the clans' lands flooded, we- we had to-"

it was her. and he was still numb. "we had to leave, but not like you did. we left together." his words were harsh, and he flinched as he said them, unable to look at her for a heartbeat, but then realizing that he needed to look at her, to find those eyes of hers and show her she was safe. that everything would be okay. "i..." he trailed off, shaking his head in disbelief as he choked back a dry sob. "i can't believe you're here."

[spell`]

everything was different now, of course, for his fur didn't even smell the same to her. who had changed? she didn't think she had become any different at all- more pitiful perhaps, and far more fit from her time spend wandering. but beyond that? spell thought maybe it was her old love who had changed after all- maybe it was his new home making him a new cat. a new cat who would never love her, no doubt. not that she ought to have captured his attention at all- it had been moons since they'd seen each other. perhaps all the seasons had already passed.. the she-cat didn't even know when she had disappeared from her old clan, though she had always kept tabs on them. they were all she had, after all. but the time passed in ways she couldn't understand. a week would pass in a blink and a heartbeat could take hours to complete a full punch to her chest, sometimes rendering her completely breathless.

one of those heartbeats seemed to be occurring presently, with her soft gray-blue gaze searching his radiant eyes almost frantically. surely he was a father now, with a doting mate and playful kits. reflectedrain had always been a charmer with the girls, though he was bit coy. not with her though- he used to speak to her like he meant it. he had been her rock but he would never be her rock again. she could tell by the way he looked at her now. if this was a dream? this was a nightmare. he was going to stomp on her fragile heart with claws unsheathed. she felt it coming with the emotion in his gaze morphed into something alien. how could she defend herself? of course she had known about the clan moving, the flood, all of that. she had followed them with no desire to keep contact. she simply thought she would be lost in the world without their musky scent on the wind occasionally. but she had to leave for reasons she could never explain to him.

"what did you want? a goodbye? would that have made it better for you now? would you hate me less?" she threw the questions at him, her own gaze remaining soft and sad, but shot into his eyes like fire. "we both know i am not made for clan life." she suddenly dropped her gaze to the grass billowing around his big brown paws. "i know now that i am not made for any life," spell confessed much more quietly. "i dont know what brought me here today."

[reflectedrain **]

if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, 

illuminate the "no"'s on their vacancy signs 
reflectedrain **

if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,

then i'll follow you into the dark

oh, she was infuriating! he knew she had a hold over his emotions, yes, but not this strongly! don't scowl. do not scowl. his jaw clenched tightly as she waited for her to stop questioning him. "a goodbye would have been what most cats expected. maybe it would have! maybe i hadn't spent the last seasons of my life with a hole in my chest!" his words were half-hissed half spat at her as he tried to control the ugly beast inside of him. when she mentioned him hating her, his own face fell, broken, and he looked at her like one would look at a kit whose life would soon be ending from a sickness, such as greencough. it wasn't pity. it was heartbreak.

"spell," he murmured quietly, moving closer to her - praying she wouldn't step or run away. "spell, i have never hated you. i hated that you left, yes, but never you." 'you were my girl.' he added silently, his eyes a bit glassy, though reflectedrain wasn't going to cry. at least, not here, in front of her. he'd die before he did that! he was strong for himself, and for her! crying wouldn't help. "you haven't gotten a normal clan life. things are better here. the demons of our past aren't here to haunt us anymore."

when her head shifted down, he took another tentative step closer. he bent down to peer up at her pretty face, trying to memorize it quickly before she left again - it felt inevitable that she would. "you were made for this life; to experience everything that it has to offer, all the good, and all the bad. yes, you've faced incredible hardships, we both have, and you are broken, but i'm here to help you. i want to help you. please, just don't leave again." this time he looked at his feet. his voice had broken at his last two words, and he couldn't handle it. the thought of her being there for just a few moments made him ache. "i don't think i could take it." the tabby tom whispered. he met her beautiful eyes again, their sadness astounded him. he had no answer for her; what had brought her here?


ooc: omg my coding looks like my stuff from f&a LOL

[spell`]

the she-cat didn't really mind if the tom that now stood before her wanted to toy with ignorance, as if he didn't understand why she left the way she did. of course, if he really couldn't fathom it, then he didn't know her at all. sure he'd convinced her to stay with him on more than one occasion in the past, but spell thought that both of them knew she could never last within the clan. too much bad blood, and the dirty looks sharp enough to flay a cat alive. and for what? their heritage? the haunting color of her eyes? the way she remained quiet when no one else did? if she wasn't hard enough on herself, spell could not handle the pressure of her peers. and after all she had gone through in her few some nineteen moons, why should she deal with anything at all? "you know ive tried to say goodbye to you before, reflectedrain. goodbyes dont work with you." her mouth barely moved, but her words were nearly spat at him, she daringly looked into his eyes now, her own narrowed slightly- a challenge.

"maybe your demons aren't here, but mine are." the pretty obsidian female gestured to her brow with her tailtip, "you know my demons are everywhere. you know me better than this. have you been trying to forget? is that why you're acting like you dont know who i am? like im your dream girl? i came here for reasons utterly unbeknownst to myself, but i know i did not come to swoop in and rescue you from loneliness. i'm not here for you to tell me how i should live." she was almost out of breath, although she continued to speak at volumes only whiskers above a whisker. she felt like she hadn't spoken this many consecutive words in all her life. but the way she spoke now was not angry and not accusing. she just wished she could shake her former companion until he could read her mind, and understand what it felt like to live with those demons he spoke of inside of you, every second of the day. all they served to do was remind her that she was not worthy, and reflectedrain could not see it. she was jealous of him for that, of course.

she wanted to move forward into his embrace again, but she did not think she could live with an ounce of rejection right now. especially from him. why was she so fragile? spell wanted to scream, but instead she delicately sat down, like she might crumble if she moved too fast. "i dont know what to do." spell suddenly looked as if she had aged one hundred moons, and now she simply wanted to sleep. curled up against reflectedrain, of course. in spite of the stress this meeting brought her, she wanted to attach herself to the tom at the hip.

[reflectedrain **]

her words had wounded him, and it was likely that it showed. the tom sighed, his own eyes, no matter how pretty, darkened with true sadness. it weighed down on him, like another cat living his life, and the tom couldn't even manage the tiniest hint of a smile. "you make it sound like i'm broken. like goodbyes don't work because i can't understand." his words flew quickly, softly, piercingly, from his mouth, and he raised his gaze to meet her own narrowed eyes. 'maybe i don't understand you.' the tom wanted to say. well, yowl, really. instead he held her gaze, his brows furrowing, and his temper beginning to build slightly.

"my demons are dead!" he spat, shaking his head in disgust. "the wolf, northy, my dad, my mom! even mallowbreeze! every one of my demons is gone. i'm haunted by ghosts of the past, and you're just another one! all you're going to do is leave again." the tom had lost control, but regained it at the end, before she went off on her own tirade. he spluttered, confusion washing over him. oh, how was she this infuriating? "yes, i've been trying to forget! the girl i loved left me with no explanation. maybe i don't know who you are!" he hissed, voice growing louder.

"my loneliness? my loneliness?" reflectedrain repeated, looking stunned. "i'm trying to rescue you from yours!" his tenor voice shook, and so did he. he was trembling, jaw clenched tightly as he clamped his eyes shut. "i'm not telling you how to live." the vertigoclan's mew was a shaky whisper. his eyes opened suddenly, quickly, trying to meet hers. "i'm just begging you to live." his voice was soft still, like a pillowy cloud trying to escape him, having poured all its rain out over the two of them and now looking for a way out.

when she sat, he mirrored her, sighing deeply, trying to find control and keep it. her soft voice spoke again, and the tom's shoulders fell. "i don't know what to do either. i haven't.. not for moons.." his tired eyes fell, gazing at her small, adorable paws. a warmth burned in his chest, and the tom shook his head. "i've missed you." his voice was nearly silent, and he didn't realize he'd said the words out loud. instead, he kept peering at their paws, barely a tail-length of space between them.

[spell`]

spell blinked, the faintest whisper of a frown was a shadow in her gaze at this particular comment. after all, he had truly put to words what she had been thinking, though he voiced it like an insult. like he was the pitiful one here, not her. but who was he fooling? "do you understand?" the she-cat inquired innocently. she was truly curious, since he clearly knew what she had been getting at. she certainly didn't get the feeling he understood, but he couldn't be so ignorant with an attitude like this. and if he understand why she left, how could he be so brutal about seeing her now? how could he not let her go?

but she had set him off by now, and she sighed. he really was a bit different now. but what could she expect? she was different too, and they had both suffered hardships little understood by one another. she couldn't remember this short temper from before, but really all her memories felt rather blurred by now. "i thought i had left you all the explaination you needed." she offered softly, all the fight had left her at once. she had no desire to argue- she would have rather got up and turned around without another word. of course there was no way she could physically force herself to do that- it seemed, perhaps by the utter chance of this rare meeting, that spell was compelled to be near reflectedrain as if he were a magnet and she iron. "i know i didn't wander this way to rejoin vertigoclan. you're naive if you think that, you know. its not that simple. i'm never going to belong there reflectedrain. of course i'm going to leave again. what else could i do? now you know i'm always near, at least." she sighed heavily, like she was being crushed under the weight of his stare- "though i hope that knowledge wont keep you from moving on of course."

she looked at him now, not much emotion showing in her gaze if any at all. but she nodded numbly as she spoke in obvious agreement, "i've missed you too."

[reflectedrain **]

he exhaled, confused. "no?" he answered pathetically. "not everything, at least, but i want to. and that's not good enough, is it?" his face was as mixed up as he felt, as mixed up as his thoughts were, his emotions, everything. when he asked the last question, it was obvious. his defeat. she didn't want him. she was just here to cause pain and ramble about how this was wrong, or stupid. how could she be so blind?

"no explanation at all? is that ever enough?" a smile broke in, and he could have sworn he was teasing her. his brows had raised, his whiskers twitched slightly- would she even notice? did she remember how he was? what he was? a goofball, a silly tom full of kit-like wonder and tics. he nodded when she mentioned rejoining vertigoclan. "no- i-" the words were strangled. it didn't work to speak then. "i didn't say you had to. i never said i expected you to." the tom's shoulders raised as he sat there. "i never expected so much as seeing you again, but i held my breath just in case." the tom looked sad again. "i can't so much as breathe now, though. i feel like if i quit holding my breath, my exhale will send you away in the wind." a slight twinkle in his eye. readjusting of his maw into a tiny sliver of a smirk. blink. it was gone again, the moment she mentioned moving on.

"is this supposed to be closure?" he asked, blinking at her dumbfoundedly. 'move on?' his mind repeated, and it bounced off of him just as it had when she said it. "how- how can i ever move on?" he said breathlessly, vision growing blurry as memories came flooding back, her scent becoming intoxicating. all these moons he'd spent waiting, expectantly, knowing nothing was for certain. that she'd likely never return. and here she was. but it wasn't for him. no, of course not. she didn't miss the clan life, it was too, too... too what? risque? scandalous? judgemental? 'i understand if it's the last one.' the tom sat there, lost in thought, his face probably contorted with it in some way or another, when she agreed with him, that she had missed him. he looked up at her, sadly. "i don't want to have to miss you again." it was a half-whine, half-plea, and one hundred percent desperate.